Where did September go?

When we got back from Uganda it was straight back to work: we had to prepare and distribute all the materials for the community kitchen phase of the stunting project, which included the following:

• 170kg of corn flour
• 200kg of soy flour
• 170kg of sorgum flour
• 200kg of rice
• 54kg of little dried fish
• 55kg of soybeans
• 200 avocados
• 54L of oil
• 36kg of salt
• 36 bars of soap
• 40kg of sugar

(The flours were to mix into SOSOMA, porridge made with soy, sorghum, and maize flours. The soybeans and little fish were to be added to food for protein.)

And once we got all of this into the health center, we spent a good 4 hours sorting it into smaller portions for the Community Health Workers to take to their respective villages. (Lesson learned: it is cheaper to buy in bulk, but if you have the funds, buy smaller portions.) My thanks to the unsuspecting women who we paid in kind to help us sort the supplies.

For those who don’t know, the program goes like this: mothers of the children identified to have any kind of malnutrition were told to come cook together and discuss topics relating to the First 1000 Days. The Community Health Workers hosted the mothers at their homes and taught lessons, and everyone came together for 12 days to do this. We contributed some of the essential (and often more expensive) cooking supplies, while the participants themselves brought fruits, vegetables, and starches. They cook together for 6 days, take the 7th day off to practice what they’ve been learning at home (and, ideally, they’re visited by a CHW), and then finish the final 5 days together. It’s a proven intervention for acute malnutrition, and one that my community has been doing for years now.

You might be asking, but the point of the project is stunting…right? And that’s why we put such an emphasis on the educational portion of this — because with chronic malnutrition, 12 days of eating plentifully and healthily will help, but it will not cure the problem. The mothers have to take the knowledge and motivation with them to continue good practices. That’s also why we taught the CHWs more about behavior change communication — because that’s key with an ongoing, challenging problem like this.

Now, whether our efforts worked we are as yet still waiting to find out. The CHWs are completing a 3-month follow up and we will do an additional screening in December, which will hopefully reveal some impact.

And, I have to say, I hope it succeeds. This has been a really successful project overall — spearheaded by my counterpart, utilizing and building on familiar practices and methods — keeping things simple and intentional while collecting detailed data every step of the way. I think it will have been the highlight of my service, honestly, and I’m really proud of it.

That all said, my investment in that project is likely a contributor to the rut I was about to fall into.

September, then, was the month of community kitchens. We wanted to visit every kitchen at least once — and twice for the ones with many children — but it was a bit of a crazy month. My counterpart decided to take some vacation (which he always seems to do during the busiest months and weeks for reasons I don’t understand), so it was up to me and another colleague to finish the supervisions.

On top of that, I had to travel again to lead the Peer Support Network Retreat, which we had planned to have in the same town that my MSC had been in. So it was down to one already overworked person. But by that point, I had made a commitment.

And this was frustrating for me: it seemed as if, whenever I was around, there wasn’t much to be done, but then whenever I had to be travelling, there would be a ton of work I could be helping with (because, let’s face it, few things are solely up to me with this job). And, like I said, whenever I was around, my counterpart was there taking care of things, but suddenly we’d have a ton of work to do, he’d take vacation days, and I’d have to leave for something.

So I had to take a deep breath, apologize, and grin and bear it. It was out of my hands. I would have prepared differently if I had known, but I didn’t know in time. It happens. And I’m not going to be around forever, so ultimately, having permanent staff deal with everything is better. (Right?)

Anyway, the PSN retreat was a success overall — relaxing, reflective time spent talking, crafting, hiking, etc. Though in retrospect planning for us to camp right as rainy season was arriving was a mistake. But I will take this moment to make a plug for Red Rocks Campsite nonetheless, because the tents themselves were very comfortable, as were the rest of the facilities, and the food and hospitality was really excellent. The owners are lovely, hip Rwandans who have made the place into a truly unique tourist attraction.

After all that travel, it honestly felt good to come back knowing that I would be at site for the first extended period in a long while: the second half of September and all of October. I was ready to wrap up the stunting project, write my final grant of my service for a WASH project, and settle back into life in Mushaka.

But then it kind of all hit me.

Over one year gone, running out of time at site but still not feeling at home or fully fulfilled here, too early to start planning the next steps after Peace Corps in any concrete way, but restless to think about life beyond this place where I increasingly felt I didn’t belong — or, rather, where I felt more like a passing ship, a long-term visitor, than a member. (Which isn’t exactly wrong, I might add.)

So that was when the fog set in. Between my frustrations with my present, my uncertainty about my future, the incoming literal storms of rainy season, and no set plans to look forward to for Thanksgiving or Christmas, I felt worn out and unmotivated — like I needed a break. But after so much time away, I didn’t feel as though I could leave again until the meetings and other activities I had planned for the final week of the month.

So, with suddenly little to do at work, fleas reappearing in my bed as the rains set in in earnest, and not much to look forward to except the same old same old, I slunked around, trying to force myself out of the house.

I did have a couple significant events during this period: the Staff Celebration at my health center, which has its very own post (and deservedly so), and a nice hike through my community with the PCVs from around my district (which perhaps should have its own post as well…). But these felt like brief moments of lightheartedness in an ongoing period of just feeling heavy day to day. Rather than feeling like I was settling back in I just felt anchored, stuck in a limbo I had trouble seeing my way out of.

Fortunately, I am self-aware enough at this point in my life to recognize the signs, and I made active attempts to counteract it. I did a lot of yoga, since the jumping around of Insanity wasn’t appealing and running meant facing people watching me — plus they say it helps your mental state, right? I made a countdown to COS that is currently obnoxious but still gives me some perspective and will only continue to do so as time goes on. And I tried to throw myself into Blogtober — which, for the record, got off track more because I transferred my domain name and blog to a new service than because I was depressed.

Ultimately, I ended up having to take about 2 weeks off to recuperate. I worked from home when I could, took a day to simply lie in bed and watch TV (because we all need one of those every once in a while), made comfort food, and took trips with other PCVs. The new Education trainees also came as a welcome distraction — full of excitement about their service to come. Focusing on them also helps me face the fact that the outgoing Education group was about to leave — which meant not only losing friends but also watching the second group of people in 3 months go do what I, on some level, yearned to do: travel, and return to the US — to their homes and families. We went to Kigali, mostly for meetings, but also for a taste of luxury — and we ended up staying for 4 nights, which meant we could take our time running errands, enjoying hot showers, using wifi…it was a much needed treat.

It got to the point where my parents called me, concerned (especially after I posted a particular blog post….), asking if we ought to change our Christmas plans, so that I could go there instead of them coming here. But by that point the trip was half-booked, I had told people they were coming, and, really, I wanted them to see this place. I would have plenty of opportunities to have Christmas with my family in the future, but if they didn’t come now they probably never would.

Now, I’d like to say that the one good thing that came out of all of it was that it became obvious that I need to go home after my service, for an extended period. But the fact is, I’m still not sure. If there’s an opportunity here that I feel I can’t pass up, I owe it to myself to explore it and think seriously about it. Nevertheless, it made me far more comfortable accepting the fact that going back and recharging could be the main priority, and then things could unfold from there.

So, in that final weekend of October, I gained some perspective, treated myself, and also made plans for the next 3 months of trips and celebrations to look forward to. Naturally, then I got home and became very sick physically, with a bad head cold and digestive issues, which was frustrating given I had hoped for a fresh start in November. But I am on the upswing in both regards now, and it’s all going to be okay.